Клуб Любителей Секса (КЛС): Парочку англоязычных (+)

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you. The man asks, Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK. Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, Uh, yeah, OK. Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, Thanks, man, I really appreciate it. Bob says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
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A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously," What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures, and suck 'em dry".
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4 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked.
Later they heard a knock on the door....
Who is it???,
The man who knocked replied, I'm the blind man.
So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said,
Nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds??
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Jack goes to the doctor and says, Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erected. Can you help me?
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you, except, if you're willing to try an experimental treatment.
Jack asks sadly, What is this treatment?
Well, the doctor explains, what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.
Jack thinks about it silently then says, Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it.
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, That was incredible! Can you do it again?
Jack replied with his eyes watering, Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass.
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A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk, and the bride's and groom's families get in a huge fight and begin wrecking the reception room, and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "Okay."
"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."
Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"
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A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and explained his mission.
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"
After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."
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Счастье женатого мужчины целиком зависит
от тех женщин , на которых он не женился